having a coke with you

Frank O'Hara

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Where is my Tom?
The one to obsess over me
The one who loves me for who I am,
Not who they want me to be.
The one who falls head over heals for me.
The one who can't imagine life without me

The one who chases me and
Doesn't let up until he catches me.
Where are you?

simplicity

I'm on my path,
the path towards happiness. 
In fact it's a pursuit, 
a pursuit towards something I am craving. 

I want to feel that rush 
I want to meet new people 
I want to have someone tell me
"Hey, you are awesome!" 

I don't want to walk into a room
and then walk out feeling worse than how I entered. 

I want to be free
to run around and not care
to feel the wind brush through my hair 
to be serendipitous. 

silver linings playbook.

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy." -Pat

who are you?

As I sit in my dorm room, eating a fun-dip and contemplating the meaning of life, I can't help but begin reflecting on myself. What am I doing with my life?

The fact that I am sitting here eating candy and blogging instead of studying for my government test tomorrow is one indication as to where my priorities are and they certainly are not where they should be. There are literally so many better things that I could be doing with my life right now and I certainly am not striving for any of those at this moment.

There are so many parts of me that I detest. I am whiny, lazy, a huge procrastinator, I can be really mean, I get angry and jealous far too easily, I am far from humble I usually care more about myself than I do others, I put people down to make myself feel better, I make fun of people, I can have lots of confidence or no confidence at all, I do not talk to God nearly as much as I want to and should, I do not try as hard as I should, and I stay stupid things way too often.



But there are many other parts of me that I love. I love how creative I can be. I love how awkward I am because it always keeps things interesting. I love how weird I am. even though I say stupid things a lot of the time, I wouldn't take back anything I have said in the place of something "cooler". Although I fail most of the time, I try to focus on being the best person I could be. I try to stay involved, I try to help my friends when they need me, I try to remember to talk to God during times when I am happy, not just when I want something from him.

I have started to come to the realization the perfection is impossible; I can never be the perfect sister, friend, girlfriend, student, teammate, employee, or daughter. The impossibility of this is what make us human. We are given the opportunity to make mistakes so that we can learn from them and make ourselves better than the part of us that made that mistake. God gave us this ability to mess up over and over again because He didn't want us to be perfect. If we were perfect than there would be no depth to our lives and that would be rather boring.

So I am trying to start to come to terms with this idea of "imperfection" because in reality, I do not want to be anyone other than the best "me" I can be, and nobody else's idea of what I should be.

"we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."

In life, we endure many trials and tribulations to get to the place we are at now. We are never the same person. Everything we do one seconds molds us into a new person the next second.

There are so many people and things in life that have had an affect on me and have helped bring joy to my life.

Like the way the sunshine bursts through the clouds on a rainy day.

The first snow of winter.

My awkward first high school dance.

The first time I played in a varsity soccer game.

The first time I heard Ed Sheeran.

Seeing my family for the first time in months.

That giddy feeling when the cutest boy in school said "hi" to me in the hallways of my middle school.

The heart wrenching feeling in my gut when I watched pictures of my recently deceased cousin play on a slide show at his funeral. The first time the feeling of grief had truly hit home.

The feeling of being lost in an unknown place.

The feeling of meeting your life-long friends and bonding over the awkwardness of life itself.

All these things affect who I am.

And it's been a while, but I still feel the same.

I met the love of my life last night. Ed Sheeran.

I got to go to Ed's concert in Dallas and it was one of the best nights of my life. His music has been a constant part of my life for a year now. It is hard to describe the feeling I get when I hear all of my favorite songs played live and I can hear all of the chords and the guitar and I can see my favorite artist singing the words and notes that I have memorized and heard a thousand times. But it is just so different. It adds appreciation to the songs on my ipod. Like "oh he sang this one at the concert" or "he sang this song a lot slower and changed this note" or "i fell in love with this song". SO many emotions wrapped up into one four minute song.

My emotions are highstrung after last night. So this blog post probably won't make any sense.

I don't even care though. I freaking met Ed Sheeran last night.